your thong is hanging out like whoa
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
