how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
