Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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