Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
