I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
