I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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