Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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