hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
