well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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