They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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