I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
