WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
