some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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