I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
