While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
