I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
