they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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