Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
