I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
