If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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