its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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