Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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