I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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