You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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