Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
