i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
