Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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