i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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