whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
