I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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