She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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