My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
