I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
