I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
