1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
