Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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