she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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