also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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