The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
