I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
