Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
