you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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