bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
