Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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