I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
