"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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