I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
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