On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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