i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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