Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize