I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Two words: blizzard sex
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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