hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize