Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
