im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
