I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
