I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
