Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
